your average teenage girl?

i finally decide to sort out my email inbox after realising i have 1764 unread emails.
i come across from an email titled 'blog.co.uk misses you'
i remember that!
i started 'blogging' when things were going tough with my mum
in short :
my mum was an alcoholic since i could remmeber
i have no dad
i have no brothers or sisters
i have no family
i felt so alone it was horrible
hence the 'i am not alone' trying to convince myself i wasnt
i lived on benifits so i was poor and have been since i can remember

but one day the thing i feared the most happened.

saturday 20th october.
i come home from work at bout 3 in the afternoon to find my mum drunk already (as per usual) i was packing ready to go to leeds with my aunty and cousin. i wanted to catch the train home on friday because i had work on saturday and i had only just started so i didnt want to take a day off and they couldnt bring me home til sunday. (i live bout 2 hours away). i didnt see what was wrong with me catching a train because ive done it before but my mum and my aunty would not let me . ok i admit i got a bit of a mardy on because they were treating me like a two year old. so i said i wouldnt go. i was really looking forward to going cause it gives me a break from my mum and i have a really good time, i was really dissapointed so i cried.
thats when my mum started hurling abuse at me. i know it was the drink talking but it still hurt. she said all this hprrible stuff like how im such a delfish bitch and i never think of anyone but myself (she doesnt know bout the time when i sneaked £1o INTO her purse cause she was worried that we would have no money to live on ... i was like 11 years old at the time) and she said all this other horrible stuff. then she tried to ground me. shes tried this before and it didnt work. i txt my friend to come pick me up in her car and she did. i got to her house and my mum rung me telling me to come home. i said i wasnt going to come home yet because i was too wound up. so she said fine never come home again, your bags will be outside the door. so my friend went down in her car and picked them up for me.
i now live at my friends house.

and still living there.

BUT since then my mum has come off the drink. she went cold turkey and has been for a month
i am so proud of her. at the end of the day she is my mum and i love her no matter what.
altho the drink has affected her insides quite bad she is getting better by the day. the drink somehow affected the nerves in her legs so she is unable to walk properly.

i go down and see her a few times a week.
i doubt i will move back even though i want to. i will explain why later.
even though i have made up with my mum, my grandma, grandad, aunty and cousin from leeds think that all of this was my fault and that im a horrible person and hate me. my mum no doubt fed them lies but i dont care because my mum is better and will hopefully get a life now.

i want to tell anyone else who suffers with acoholic parents to give them hope that you can change your life and it wont be your fault.

wow. ive wrote a lot. hope your not bored!

i have loads more stories to tell yet!

the hospital
the bitch
the new [HIM]

stay tuned!

wow i havent wrote in 116 days!
thats what it told me
the computer
a lot of stuff has happend ... you know my ex? he went out with that gurl again but then dumped her to come back to our group and we was getting really close and then he went and snogged my friend. man i was pissed off
but i love my friend too much to do oat about it
so i just hate [HIM]
although were "best friends"
Pfft
but there ya go. you have ur ups and downs
but now this other lad wants to go back out with me but i dont know cause we are soooo different
i havent seen him in like a year and hes offerd me to stop his!
am i fuck!
but i might go out with him ... but i dnt know cause ...not to be shady or anything but i kinda wanna go out with him to help get over [HIM] and cause i just want someone who love me and is there for me ...
Hmmmm
wite more later ... computer having an attack! :@

i havent wrote in ages because ... to tell you the truth i forgot my password and i was too much in a bad mood to bother about it but then i rememberd it!
my ex dumped his girlfriend which is what i wanted but when it happend i felt guilty for wanting it to happen if that makes sence. so now were all just friends and yeah i still love him but i have to get over him cause there is no chance now that we are going to get back together.
my friend got stabbed the other day but shes stable now. she nearly died the fucking bastard stabbed her lung but luckil someone found her in time and she is going to be okay.
the mother is oassed out at this precise moment which is how i like it
i rung up work saying i couldnt work tonight cause i am really really ill and he said this is twice youve dropped me in the shit so i replied its not my fault im ill i cant call a week in advance sayin cant work next week im going to be ill with tonsilitius can i! and he didnt like that so he put me on a warning and i HAVE to work sunday, after that im quiting. i need the money but im just gonna have to live for a bit.
my friends are the best. after what happend at the party we are all so close now and i love it. although there are some people i dont like in my friendship group im just gonna have to get over it. and i have to get over my ex. its going to be really hard cause i thinki love him. its a bit strong but we been going out with eachother of and on for the last 4 years and im only 15... but its got to be done.
meanwhile i cant talk cause i have lost my voice totaly. im always ill.
keep your chin up

today i went school.
first time in ages but i wish i hadent
i see my ex everyday with his new girlfriend ... i hang round with him and other people.
i still love him
and i hate it
but today i fell out with my best friend over nothing ... hes ringin me in 5 mins i hope.
maybe we can sort it out.
and theres so many secrets going round ... no-one likes my ex going out with the girl he is now ... everyone says they wish it was me and him again ... it makes me happy to hear it.
mymate is organising a party (a.k.a. a piss up) the only time i drink .. when im with people i kno will look after me. and they dont want to invite my Ex's girlfriend. so they are trying to keep it a secret.
so i sit here and munch on winegums.
im always the one to fix other peoples problems never mind my own so i sit here and try to fix my friends problems.
on the mother situation i just walked in and went on here and when i come off im going out so its okay.
i like winegums.
5 mins has gone and he still hasnt rung.
well im going to go get ready now.
and i get my mobile back on saturday from the repair shop.
things get better

the trip to london was amazing.
i had the most fun ever and it was mostly because of my mates.
we went to the theatre and watched this prefomance called 'the woman in black'. i dont get scared easy and definatley not by films but this scared me soooo much!! i felt sick with fear but it was the best thing ive ever seen!
and i saw the Queen in her carrige.
i left the house at 10 to 7 in the morning and didnt get home till 2 o'clock the next morning.
so i havent gone school today, ive gave up on school ... like most things but i dont want to ... im trying not to but its hard because i have no-one to support me ... i have no brothers or sisters and my dad left when i was 4 ... all i have is me. i dont count my mum.
but i like this blog thing.. it lets me talk to anyone that will listen and it just makes me feel better ... like someone out there actually cares. they say things are better if you talk bout them.
and i'd like to say thankyou soooo much for your comments ( ill try to reply when i figure out what im doing here) it really makes me feel soo happy and to people out there who have a mum like me never give up! im trying not to and i know its hard and i feel for you all and i wish i could help you sooo much.this might sound weird but i think that music helps.
todays just a lazy day.
mum started drinkin at 10 o'clock and hasnt (and wont) stop.
she drinks sherry ... like its water.
thats why now i dont touch alcohol. im scared ill turn out like her.
well you learnt some more bout me today and you will again tomorrow.
and i dont want to bore you too much in one day.
keep smiling.

well i got home from badminton absolutely shatterd and to put me in a bad mood i find my mum out cold on the sofa. you would think i would be used to it by now but it still hurts everytime i see her drunk ... you've figured she an alcoholic. and a really bad one at that.
but off the depressing stuff... im spose to be going on this amazing trip that i could never afford cause i live on pure benifits ... but i got help so im really looking forward to it! once in a lifetime thing then .... i get told that i cant go.
i know it might sound babyish but i cried.
harder than i had done in ages
and i cry
and i cry
but! then i get told i can go! so what do i do?
cry some more.
so im happy but sad
so i come on here ... which just normally depresses me anyway.

well hello
this is my first blog and the reason i got one is cause i watched this film 'the perfect man' and the girl on there had a blog and i wanted one.
but i dont want anyone to know who i am
cause all the people i know will get scared of me =]
lol
yeah its erm not in english ... is that spos to happen?
i dont have a clue what im doing...
yeah well today was one of my bad days .. im not gonna give everything away in one go .. it will come in time but my stupid mouse for the comp wont work!
well im your average teenage girl with a secret
and i worked out today that no matter where you go. what you do. or who you are there are lies. everywhere.
sad fact of life.
and its really hard to try and do everything on a computer without using a mouse. speshially when you dont know what your doing in the first place
i dont know how long these things are ment to be but im writing an essay anyway
ill write again soon ... tell you some more bout me and my life but now i got to go badminton!
and remember
n e v e r g i v e u p